Gundam Wing/ Pet Shop of Horrors Insanity Fic
by sakachan
Summary: Duo decides to get a pet, causing the gundam boys to take a trip to a mysterious pet shop in the LA Chinatown. Pairings: 1+2, 3+4, 5+M


Saka-chan: Ohayo, mina! I know I promised I wouldn't, but I decided to write another "Insanity Fic."  
  
Wufei: Oh no. . .  
  
Saka-chan: [death glare] Urusai, Chang!! [Immediately changes mood] Anyway. . . a friend and I were writing this X/ Pet Shop of Horrors fic (actually, she was doing the writing and saying most of the ideas. . .) [cough cough] But, I got her to join me in helping with an insanity fic! Mwahahahahah!!!  
  
Trowa: [to Wufei] Should I be getting nervous?  
  
Kira Seldon: [puts arm around Trowa's shoulders] Of course not, Tro! [smile]  
  
All Gundam Pilots: EEK!! There are *two* of them!!  
  
Kira Seldon and Saka-chan: [manically] MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!  
  
Kira Seldon: Moving on. . . this is a Gundam Wing/ Pet Shop of Horrors fic.  
  
Saka-chan: Yep! We don't own either of the manga/ anime rights to that stuff. In fact, we don't own anything of any real value.  
  
Kira Seldon: WE DON'T EVEN OWN THE MANGA!!  
  
Saka-chan: Heh he. . . YET!!! [Gundam boys all turn VERY pale]  
  
Kira Seldon: And it's OOC. . . VERY OOC!!  
  
Gundam Boys: Uh oh. . .  
  
  
  
Gundam Wing/ Pet Shop of Horrors Insanity Fic  
  
  
  
All five pilots step cautiously into a large, suspicious-looking petshop located in the L.A. Chinatown.  
  
Heero: Uh, Duo. . . are you *sure* this is a good idea?  
  
Duo: [mad grin] Of course, Hee-chan! I want a parrot!  
  
Wufei: YOU of all people should not be owning anything that talks. We don't want it picking up your bad habits.  
  
Duo: [sticks tongue out]  
  
They walk further into the highly incense-scented room, which is decorated with Oriental curtains and sofas. Wufei admires the Chinese quality the place possesses.  
  
Heero: [sniffing] Do you think whoever owns this place is trying to kill us?  
  
Trowa: Or trying to suffocate us. . .  
  
Suddenly, a man dressed in a blue cheongsam comes out from behind a lacquered screen.  
  
Mysterious stranger: Hello. Welcome to my petshop. I am Count D.  
  
Duo: Hey, Count! I'm Duo! These guys are Heero, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei. [points to them all]  
  
Count D: Hello. Did you want to buy a pet?  
  
Duo: YES!!! A parrot, if you've got one! One that can talk, too!  
  
Other pilots: [sweatdrop]  
  
Count D: Hmm. . . I have just the pet for you.  
  
Wufei: I'm kind of nervous about this guy. . .  
  
Trowa, Quatre, and Heero: [nod]  
  
Count D: In fact, I have just the pet for each one of you.  
  
All pilots: EH?!!  
  
Count D: Right this way. . .  
  
Count D leads them into a room in the back of the petshop. The smell of incense lessens as they walk on, allowing the pilots to finally breathe. Count D finally stops the tour in the room farthest toward the back. The boys look at the Chinese petshop owner with confusion- five animals sit quietly on five separate tables.  
  
Count D: Heero?  
  
Heero: Hm?  
  
Count D: This is a Parisian lemming. It comes all the way from the south of France.  
  
A/N: Paris is in the middle of France, NOT the south. I purposely had D say this, Lord only knows why. . .  
  
Heero: [looking at the lemming with suspicion] So?. . . What's so special about that.  
  
Count D: [Ignoring Heero's query] Duo, this is a blue-jacket parrot from Southeast Asia.  
  
Duo: Oh cool! He's so cute! Hey little parrot!!  
  
Parrot: [looking at Duo, annoyed] Can you keep it down, please?  
  
Count D: Trowa, this here is a calico cat.  
  
Trowa: Cute. . .  
  
Cat: Thanks, man! You know, you're not too bad-looking yourself. Though you might want to get a haircut! Those bangs of yours don't look very safe. Might poke someone's eye out or something. And what's with the gauche drab? Green turtleneck and faded jeans? Come on! The Eighties died a while ago, man. . .  
  
Trowa: [sweatdrop]  
  
Count D: Quatre, this is a rabbit from the deserts of Arabia.  
  
Quatre: I. . . didn't know there were rabbits in the desert. . . Oh, but he's SOOO cute!! How adorable!!  
  
Quatre goes to pick up the small, white rabbit. Suddenly, the rabbit's eyes grow wide and he attacks the poor Arabian boy a la Monty Python's Holy Grail.  
  
Quatre: Shit!! Get this damn thing off of me!!  
  
Trowa grabs his gun, aiming it for the rabbit. The rabbit removes itself from the blonde's neck, only to catapult right at Trowa.  
  
Trowa: F***!!!! [runs off screaming in terror]  
  
Wufei: Okay. . . *that* was interesting. . .  
  
Count D: Wufei, my last pet should appeal to you. [points to a small, black cat with very dark brown eyes] This cat comes from a small area around Beijing.  
  
Wufei: [eyes wide as dinner plates]  
  
Duo: Hey, Wu-man, what's wrong? The cat only have one eye or something?  
  
Wufei: [nervously] This. . . this cat looks like Meiran!!  
  
Duo: What are you talking about, Wu? It's just a cat! And cute one at that. . . [begins to scratch beneath the cat's chin]  
  
Wufei: Stop that!  
  
Count D: Are you all satisfied with your pets?  
  
Heero: Hn. . . I guess.  
  
Duo: Whatever. . .  
  
Trowa: [breathlessly] Uh, yeah.  
  
Quatre: Hell no!! That thing's INSANE!! It tried to kill my Trowa-kun!  
  
Wufei: YES!! I'll take it!! Name your price!!  
  
Count D: I'm glad. However, there are few conditions with which you must comply.  
  
Wufei: OKAY!!! I'll do it!! Just tell me what I need to do!!  
  
Count D: Follow me. . .  
  
The boys follow Count D into another, more scented room. Each boy is carrying his pet, except for Quatre, who is keeping his rabbit tied up and muzzled like Hannibal Lector. They sit down around a desk, five contracts in front of them.  
  
Count D: Heero, this lemming has three requirements: 1. You must not allow anyone to see or view him. 2. You must make sure to feed him plenty of fruit. 3. Do not expose him to anything that might depress him or give him angst.  
  
Heero: Hn! Sounds easy enough. . .  
  
Count D: Duo, this parrot has three requirements: 1. You must not allow anyone to see or view him. 2. Only feed him a healthy, well- balanced diet. No junk food, and *especially* no sweets. 3. Keep him away from bright lights and loud noises.  
  
Duo: This parrot sucks. . .  
  
Trowa: You sure this is *your* pet, Duo?  
  
Quatre: Yeah! I think you'd get along better with the rabbit!  
  
Count D: Trowa, this cat has three requirements: 1. You must not allow anyone to see or view him. 2. Make sure not to give him any sugar; however, anything else is fine. 3. Make sure to give him lots of attention and talk to him often.  
  
Duo: [fallen on floor, laughing madly] Yeah right, Tro! *You*, talking often?! HAHAHAHAHAH!!!  
  
Trowa: [gives Duo a glare] I can handle that.  
  
Count D: Quatre, your rabbit has three requirements: 1. You must-  
  
Quatre: NO! Absolutely not!! This thing is completely insane!!  
  
Count D: But Quatre, if you follow the three requirements, the rabbit will not act as hostile.  
  
Quatre: Well. . . okay. What do I have to do?  
  
Count D: 1. You must not allow anyone to see or view him. 2. You must make sure to feed him plenty of tea and give him plenty of exercise. 3. You must not expose him to anything upsetting.  
  
Quatre: No problem, Count D!  
  
Count D: Wufei, this very special cat has three requirements.  
  
Wufei: Fine! Anything!! Just tell me where to sign!! [staring at the cat adoringly]  
  
Count D: Just a moment. Listen to the three requirements first. 1. You must not allow anyone to see or view her. 2. You must always allow her to do whatever she wants. 3. You must never call her weak, or injust.  
  
Duo: Poor Wufei. It's gonna be hard for him not to rant about injustice and weakness.  
  
Wufei: [gives Duo a sape]  
  
Count D: Now, if you'll please sign. . .  
  
* * *  
  
Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei sit around the living room within their current safehouse. They each stare at their pets in awe, contemplating the personalities of each.  
  
Quatre: Man, that Count D is pretty weird. . . he gave me the creeps!  
  
Duo: Hey, I thought that two-toned eye thing kicked ass!  
  
Everyone else: Whatever. . .  
  
Quatre: Well, D was right. My rabbit *did* calm down after I fed him. Look! [holds his hand out in front of the rabbit] See? He doesn't even foam at the mouth anymore!  
  
Duo: Well, Wufei seems to enjoy his pet. . .  
  
Wufei: [to his cat] I missed you so much, Meiran! But you've come back to me! Sure, you're in the body of a cat, so I can't quite perform my duties as a husband. . . but you're still here! That's what's important!  
  
Everyone else: [blink]  
  
Wufei's cat: Calm down, Chang.  
  
Heero: [yawn] It's getting late. I'm heading to bed.  
  
Quatre: Me too. [looks at Trowa] Coming?  
  
Trowa nods in much agreement. He and Quatre walk hand-in-hand toward their room, leaving their pets sitting on the coffee table. The rabbit twitches, while Trowa's cat rants on. . .  
  
Trowa's cat: That's not very nice! Just leaving us out here while he goes off and fulfils his own ecchi libido! And why is he with that blonde kid? Is he gay or something? There are plenty of sexy women in the world- why's he sticking himself with some guy? I mean, it's not like Quatre's that cute or anything. . .  
  
Saka-chan: [covers cat's mouth] That's *quite* enough. . . NO ONE insults my Trowa-kun, or Quatre-chan!!  
  
Trowa's cat: MMMMPHHHH!!!  
  
Saka-chan: [bows] Sumimasen. . . on with the fic!  
  
Duo: Uh, yeah. . . ANYWAY. . .  
  
Wufei: Well, Meiran. Shall we be going to bed?  
  
Wufei's cat: Don't want to.  
  
Wufei: [shrugs] Very well. [Walks out of room]  
  
Duo: [to Heero] That cat's kind of a bitch, eh?  
  
'Meiran': [glares]  
  
* * *  
  
Two weeks have passed, and Heero is getting along. . . 'well' with his lemming. However, his lemming seems to be acting strangely, even though Heero has tried his best to keep it happy.  
  
Heero: [yelling at lemming] What the hell is wrong with you?! I've done all that Count D told me to do for you, but you don't seem to give a damn!  
  
Lemming: [walking toward edge of table] You punished me yesterday for pissing on the rug.  
  
Heero: What did you expect me to do?! Sit back and SMILE??!!  
  
Lemming: Yes. [falls off edge of table]  
  
Heero: [barely catching him before he hits the ground] What are you, suicidal or something?!  
  
Lemming: Yeah. . .  
  
* * *  
  
Duo looks happily at his blue parrot. It's reading "Pride and Prejudice," wearing a pair of small reading glasses. Duo jumps off his bed and picks the parrot up violently.  
  
Duo: [chipperly] Come on, man!! You're a parrot!! Say something, for goodness sake!  
  
Parrot: [in annoyed tone] Okay. . . Shut up!  
  
Duo: [mumbles] I get more of a response from *Heero* on his bad days. . .  
  
Duo runs out of the room and into the kitchen. He ignores Heero trying to convince his lemming from not jumping off the fridge and into the ceiling fan blades. Duo grabs his secret stash of pixy stix and runs back into his room.  
  
Duo: THIS'll make you talk!!  
  
Duo pours three open stix down the parrot's throat. He steps back to watch his work. Unfortunately, the parrot begins to convulse violently, before falling off his perch and onto the floor with a 'thump.'  
  
Duo: [staring at the unconscious parrot] Oops. . .  
  
* * *  
  
Trowa gently pets his cat. He is getting annoyed by its incessant ramblings, but is finally able to ignore it. With cotton stuffed into his ears.  
  
Trowa's cat: You guys are all pretty cool. I mean, Heero seems like a bit of a hard-ass, and Wufei's got some obsession with Meiran (whoever the hell that is). And Quatre's a bit of a wuss. I mean, he lets *you* stand up for him all the time. Of course, I doubt you really mind, eh? I see the way you two look at each other- it's nasty the sounds coming from your room in the middle of the night. . . I mean, GOD!!! Get a freakin' HOTEL room!! And Duo. . . what the hell is up with *that* guy?! Wearing his hair in a braid, he looks like a freakin' girl!!  
  
KiraSeldon: EXCUSE ME?!! *What* did you say about Duo?  
  
Cat: Umm. . .  
  
KiraSeldon sics the Sakurazukamori's hawk on Trowa's cat.  
  
Cat: Oh shit. . . AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Trowa, help me!!  
  
Trowa: [reading a magazine, cotton still in his ears]  
  
Cat: Yo, Tro!  
  
Trowa gives his cat no response. Eventually, the Sakurazukamori's shikigami grabs a hold of the cat and starts to peck at its head. KiraSeldon calls it back, after the head of the cat is bloodied and the cat is moaning in agony. She walks off, her head held high.  
  
KiraSeldon: Right. . . so that's one Seishrou x Subaru lemon I owe him. . . But it was worth it!  
  
Trowa remains reading his magazine, not noticing the passed out cat laying on the side of the bed.  
  
* * *  
  
Quatre cheerfully feeds his rabbit its daily meal of lettuce and tea. The rabbit smiles at him.  
  
Quatre: There you go, rabbit.  
  
Rabbit: Thank you, Quatre-san.  
  
Quatre: I hope you don't mind, but I have to give you raspberry tea today. We're all out of Orange Spice.  
  
Rabbit: Oh? [eye starts twitching]  
  
Quatre: Uh oh. . .  
  
Rabbit: [lunges at Quatre, claws and teeth bared] Why won't you give me any Orange Spice tea?! You must be my enemy!! I have to *kill* my enemies!  
  
Quatre: EEK!!  
  
The rabbit chases Quatre around the kitchen, trying to rip his jugular out, or at least his trachea. In the other room, Trowa gets the feeling his lover is in danger. He hops up from his seat, still ignoring his near-dead cat, and runs into the kitchen. There, he finds Quatre fending off the rabbit with a chair. Trowa grabs some duct tape from a nearby counter. He backfips over to Quatre and quickly duct tapes the rabbit, bandaging it like a mummy.  
  
Quatre: My hero!!  
  
Quatre wraps his arms around Trowa, while the rabbit tries in vain to chew away the duct tape from its body.  
  
* * *  
  
Wufei stares lovingly at his cat, which he affectionately refers to as 'Meiran.' After an hour of 'Meiran' not glancing up at him, Wufei sighs and picks up a book sitting on a nearby shelf. As he opens the cover, 'Meiran' perks her head up.  
  
'Meiran': Chang, will you get me some tuna.  
  
Wufei: [eyes fixed on book] You just had some an hour ago.  
  
'Meiran': But I'm hungry again.  
  
Wufei: You keep eating like you do, and you'll end up fat.  
  
'Meiran': [pissed off] How dare you say that to me!  
  
Wufei: I'm sorry, but it's true. It's not my fault your hunger is your weakness.  
  
'Meiran': WHAT did you say?  
  
Wufei: [nervously] Uh oh. . .  
  
Immediately, 'Meiran' lunges at Wufei in anger. Wufei quickly grabs his katana and points it at 'Meiran.'  
  
Wufei: Stay back!  
  
'Meiran': I'll get you for calling *me* weak!!  
  
Wufei: Shimatta!!  
  
Luckily, Trowa bursts into the room and duct tapes 'Meiran.' The black cat squirms frantically, trying to break free.  
  
Wufei: Thanks, Trowa.  
  
Trowa: [smiles] No problem.  
  
Quatre: I think these pets are defective. . . we should bring them back.  
  
Trowa and Wufei: HAI!!  
  
* * *  
  
A knock at the door interrupts Count D's tea time. He quietly gets up from his sofa and walks over to the dark wooden door. Upon opening it, he gasps in shock. There, five small, duct taped bundles of squirming fur and feathers lay neatly placed in a wicker basket.  
  
Count D: Oh my God!! [nearly faints]  
  
Lemming: [banging its head against the side of the basket] No one loves me! Everyone wants me dead!! I want to kill myself!!  
  
Trowa's cat: AAAAAAHHHH!!! The hawk is back!! The hawk is back!! Don't eat me!! Save me, Trowa!! No, Kira. . . NOOOO!!!  
  
Rabbit: [frothing at mouth] You're all against me. . . you're all my enemies. . . YOU ALL MUST DIE!!! Once I'm free, I'll kill all of you!!! [high pitched laugh] Mwahahahah!!!  
  
'Meiran': Damn you, Chang!! How dare you treat a lady of my stature like this!! This injustice will not go unavenged!! You hear me, Chang?!!  
  
Parrot: What an unfortunate turn of events. Will you guys SHUT UP?!!  
  
In the background, the screeching of tires can be heard, along with the sounds of five teenage boys cheering for joy.  
  
  
  
Owari  
  
  
  
Saka-chan: That's the end. Hope you liked it! ^.^ v  
  
Heero: As opposed to some of the fics you write, this was relatively painless.  
  
Wufei: [mutters] Atleast you didn't threaten to pair me up with anyone this time.  
  
Saka-chan: Oh, that reminds me Chang- I'm writing you into a 1x3x5 fic tomorrow. Hope you don't mind.  
  
Trowa and Heero: NANI?!!  
  
Saka-chan: Oh, don't act so shocked. . . it was bound to happen. Right, Kira?  
  
KiraSeldon: Yep! Can you throw in a few more? I'm sure Treize would be delighted.  
  
Saka-chan: Excellent idea! Let's do it!  
  
Trowa, Heero, and Wufei: [faint] 


End file.
